BURNING! All the memories
Of you and me
And I’ll stare into the flames and wonder
“How’d it go so wrong?”
But the answer is too simple and
I can only blame myself for this
AT NIGHT! When the seizures rack my body
I pray to a God I don’t believe in
To forgive myself,
And forget all these things that I’ve done
But the answer is too simple and
I can only blame myself for this
I WAGE! A battle with this dying light
But my wrists are broken
And I can’t fight
Anymore
Anymore
Anymore
Any-MORE!
But the answer is too simple and
I can only blame myself for this
But the answer is beneath my skin
But the answer is just killing me
But the answer is just killing me
But the answer is just killing me
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
Monday, January 28, 2008
Play Chips Are Ruining My Life
I play a hell of a lot of online poker, and lately I seem to have increased the amount of time I play greatly. I'm a decent player, and almost never fail to finish in the top 15% of any tournament I enter, depending on the cards I get, and the mood I'm in.
When I'm playing well, you can almost guarantee that I will make it to the final table every time I play. But that seems to be my problem of late. I am catching a really bad run of cards, and can't seem to make a hand whatsoever. I'm still finishing in the top 15-20% almost every tournament I play, but mostly that is due to making lots and lots of folds, and never chasing a hand to showdown, in the hope of hitting something.
It is starting to impact on my play though, and I am playing way to many marginal hands, and even when they hit, I am making the wrong moves more often than not.
As a result of this, I am not playing for money at the moment, but with play money. I'm doing this for two reasons, firstly, to protect my bankroll, and secondly, to try and ride out the bad run of cards, and when I start getting a more even distribution of cards then I will step up to real money again.
But I am getting increasingly frustrated with playing with play money due to the fact that most of the players only treat it like a bit of fun, and just move all in whenever they get the chance. I realise that I should expect this, but being so used to playing for real money, and the way that people actually care about their chips, I tend to expect all players to do the same.
After all, if you want to improve, there is no point in not playing in a manner that will serve you well if and when you start playing for real money. I guess thats my big gripe about play money tables and tourney's. Its so easy to just reload your free play chips that people don't care, and as such will never become decent players.
When I'm playing well, you can almost guarantee that I will make it to the final table every time I play. But that seems to be my problem of late. I am catching a really bad run of cards, and can't seem to make a hand whatsoever. I'm still finishing in the top 15-20% almost every tournament I play, but mostly that is due to making lots and lots of folds, and never chasing a hand to showdown, in the hope of hitting something.
It is starting to impact on my play though, and I am playing way to many marginal hands, and even when they hit, I am making the wrong moves more often than not.
As a result of this, I am not playing for money at the moment, but with play money. I'm doing this for two reasons, firstly, to protect my bankroll, and secondly, to try and ride out the bad run of cards, and when I start getting a more even distribution of cards then I will step up to real money again.
But I am getting increasingly frustrated with playing with play money due to the fact that most of the players only treat it like a bit of fun, and just move all in whenever they get the chance. I realise that I should expect this, but being so used to playing for real money, and the way that people actually care about their chips, I tend to expect all players to do the same.
After all, if you want to improve, there is no point in not playing in a manner that will serve you well if and when you start playing for real money. I guess thats my big gripe about play money tables and tourney's. Its so easy to just reload your free play chips that people don't care, and as such will never become decent players.
Sunday, January 27, 2008
To Switch, Or Not To Switch
I'm in a bit of a quandry.
I can't decide whether or not to buy a Macbook, a desktop Mac, or to stay with what I know, and buy a PC, and even then I am stuck with deciding between desktop system, or laptop.
Its a bit of a moot point at the moment because I can't actually afford to do any of the above, but I keep on dreaming of the day that I can afford a new system, and what I want to buy.
Mac seems to be a better choice to me, as their systems are reportedly much more stable (not that I have had any problems with a Windows based system, ever), and they seem to have a monopoly on cool. All their software just plain looks cool, and runs easily. Compare that with a Windows based system, that makes what should bea simple job very hard to do, and is vulnerable to a variety of security problems.
But that being said, I don't know too much about networking with a Mac, and I don't even know if it is possible to network a Mac, with a Windows based system. Another factor to consider is software compatability. A lot of software I use is not available for Mac systems, and I would need to find viable alternatives.
I can't decide whether or not to buy a Macbook, a desktop Mac, or to stay with what I know, and buy a PC, and even then I am stuck with deciding between desktop system, or laptop.
Its a bit of a moot point at the moment because I can't actually afford to do any of the above, but I keep on dreaming of the day that I can afford a new system, and what I want to buy.
Mac seems to be a better choice to me, as their systems are reportedly much more stable (not that I have had any problems with a Windows based system, ever), and they seem to have a monopoly on cool. All their software just plain looks cool, and runs easily. Compare that with a Windows based system, that makes what should bea simple job very hard to do, and is vulnerable to a variety of security problems.
But that being said, I don't know too much about networking with a Mac, and I don't even know if it is possible to network a Mac, with a Windows based system. Another factor to consider is software compatability. A lot of software I use is not available for Mac systems, and I would need to find viable alternatives.
How To Waste A Perfectly Good Afternoon
As this blog is only three days old, I have been looking around on the internet to try and find some "widgets" to add, that add some functionality without being a gimmick. There really isn't too many out there. I haven't been able to find a single one that appeals to me yet.
I would really like to add a calendar to my sidebar, but there just isn't one that I can find that is customizable enough that I can make it fit with the rest of the page. I want one that looks like it is native to my template, that is to say, that it shares the same background colour, with no border, and shares the same font type, size and colour. Just not possible to find.
I would also like to add a "recently played" list of the last ten songs I have listened to in iTunes, but can't seem to find one that works with blogger.
If anyone out there knows of either of these being available anywhere, and they are simple to install and use, please let me know, either leave a comment, or send me an email.
I would really like to add a calendar to my sidebar, but there just isn't one that I can find that is customizable enough that I can make it fit with the rest of the page. I want one that looks like it is native to my template, that is to say, that it shares the same background colour, with no border, and shares the same font type, size and colour. Just not possible to find.
I would also like to add a "recently played" list of the last ten songs I have listened to in iTunes, but can't seem to find one that works with blogger.
If anyone out there knows of either of these being available anywhere, and they are simple to install and use, please let me know, either leave a comment, or send me an email.
Saturday, January 26, 2008
Decorating My Laptop
I am planning to decorate my laptop. I am sick of looking at the uninspiring matt silver casing, that I am confronted with every time I look at it.
So far, I have come up with two possible images with which to adorn the back of the lid. Both are variations of skulls.
The first is the Metal Blade Records "Pirate Logo", which is a skull with no bottom jaw, with crossed blades beneath it.
The second is a stencil art skull wearing a gas mask. I found the image here.
Unfortunately I don't have a link to a good quality image of the "Pirate Logo", because I had to trace it off a sampler CD sleeve.
I now just have to decide which to go with, and then, depending on which I choose, work out how best to transfer the image onto my laptop.
So far, I have come up with two possible images with which to adorn the back of the lid. Both are variations of skulls.
The first is the Metal Blade Records "Pirate Logo", which is a skull with no bottom jaw, with crossed blades beneath it.
The second is a stencil art skull wearing a gas mask. I found the image here.
Unfortunately I don't have a link to a good quality image of the "Pirate Logo", because I had to trace it off a sampler CD sleeve.
I now just have to decide which to go with, and then, depending on which I choose, work out how best to transfer the image onto my laptop.
Thursday, January 24, 2008
Albums That Changed My Life
Slipknot – Self Titled (1999, Roadrunner Records, Produced By Ross Robinson)
At a time when anger, hurt, anxiety, and hormones were all threatening to derail my life, I was searching for a soundtrack to my life. I had never heard any heavy metal in my life outside of cheesy 80’s hair metal that didn’t interest me, and the closest music I could find to use as an outlet for my emotional state was the bubblegum pop-punk styling’s of Blink 182, and NoFX. Yet one day while skipping school in the basement of a friend’s house I experienced an epiphany. That epiphany came in the form of the lead single from Slipknot – Spit It Out.
My friend had created a sampler CD of sorts that included, amongst others, Fear Factory and Sepultura, but it was the pure rage that almost poured out of the speakers when Spit It Out started to play that captured my attention. Here was a band that seemed like they had taken my feelings and put them to music. And not just any music, but music imbued with so much emotion that it threatened to slit your throat.
Needless to say, I was hooked. I had to find out “who is that band, and where can I get the album?” The next day, I hit the record stores to try and find the album, and once I found it, I raced home and blasted the whole thing countless times from the stereo, until I was so tired from jumping around my bedroom, I collapsed in a pile on my bed and fell asleep.
From the opening of (SIC) through to the final notes of closing track Scissors, it felt as though this was a band who felt the way I felt, and had decided to do something about it. It was official; I had caught “the sickness”.
In hindsight, the best thing about this album is not the music, or the fact that it was an outlet for all the negative that had started to take over my life, but rather that it introduced me to a new form of music. Simply, this album introduced me to metal. In essence I can almost credit this album with making me who I am today. Up until the point that I found this album, music was just something to break the silence. Now it became an obsession, and outlet, and a massive part of who I was, and who I was to become. Not only that, but through my immersion in the world of heavy metal, and later hardcore, my ideals, my values, and my sense of self started to be shaped. There were, of course, other factors involved, including my upbringing, and my environment, and other images that were forced upon me by the mass media, but it was music that was mainly responsible.
At a time when anger, hurt, anxiety, and hormones were all threatening to derail my life, I was searching for a soundtrack to my life. I had never heard any heavy metal in my life outside of cheesy 80’s hair metal that didn’t interest me, and the closest music I could find to use as an outlet for my emotional state was the bubblegum pop-punk styling’s of Blink 182, and NoFX. Yet one day while skipping school in the basement of a friend’s house I experienced an epiphany. That epiphany came in the form of the lead single from Slipknot – Spit It Out.
My friend had created a sampler CD of sorts that included, amongst others, Fear Factory and Sepultura, but it was the pure rage that almost poured out of the speakers when Spit It Out started to play that captured my attention. Here was a band that seemed like they had taken my feelings and put them to music. And not just any music, but music imbued with so much emotion that it threatened to slit your throat.
Needless to say, I was hooked. I had to find out “who is that band, and where can I get the album?” The next day, I hit the record stores to try and find the album, and once I found it, I raced home and blasted the whole thing countless times from the stereo, until I was so tired from jumping around my bedroom, I collapsed in a pile on my bed and fell asleep.
From the opening of (SIC) through to the final notes of closing track Scissors, it felt as though this was a band who felt the way I felt, and had decided to do something about it. It was official; I had caught “the sickness”.
In hindsight, the best thing about this album is not the music, or the fact that it was an outlet for all the negative that had started to take over my life, but rather that it introduced me to a new form of music. Simply, this album introduced me to metal. In essence I can almost credit this album with making me who I am today. Up until the point that I found this album, music was just something to break the silence. Now it became an obsession, and outlet, and a massive part of who I was, and who I was to become. Not only that, but through my immersion in the world of heavy metal, and later hardcore, my ideals, my values, and my sense of self started to be shaped. There were, of course, other factors involved, including my upbringing, and my environment, and other images that were forced upon me by the mass media, but it was music that was mainly responsible.
Welcome to The Nicotine Diaries
This is an anonymous blog about anything and everything that takes the authors fancy at a given point in time. There will tend to be a particular focus on music, and various other forms of art, including poetry, literature, and film, along with original material written by myself.
It may be updated daily, twice daily, or weekly. It just depends on whether or not I feel like writing a post or not.
Feel free to leave comments, send me an email, or just completely ignore it altogether. Just like everything else in this messed up world, the choice is yours.
It may be updated daily, twice daily, or weekly. It just depends on whether or not I feel like writing a post or not.
Feel free to leave comments, send me an email, or just completely ignore it altogether. Just like everything else in this messed up world, the choice is yours.
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